Annual Madden Debate Returns For Fourth Year

New York — The fourth annual Madden NFL Debate Contest is scheduled to take place in Times Square on Saturday, Feb. 20. The debate features many promising contestants who compete for a cash prize debating over Madden-related topics.

According to event organizer, former NFL tight end and current CBS Analyst, Shannon Sharpe, the yearly debate measures competitors’ ability to argue about the lack of income, unattractiveness, or promiscuity of the other contestants’ mothers, the intelligence and sexual incompetence of the other contestants themselves, who exactly is the other contestants’ daddy, how poorly the other contestants actually play Madden, and finally the contestants must argue a side in the case for or against abortion. “This year, we’ve also added freestyle rap segment, in which competitors insult each other in an impromptu rap session,” added Sharpe, who claimed he could’ve won every single year if he hadn’t disqualified himself for being too skilled at this event.

Scott Garrison, who was expected to win last year’s competition but made a comment insulting all white people, only to remember about 18 seconds later that he actually is white, is one of the top-rated competitors in the event. Other top challengers include Greg Kindle, a scrawny, 5’6” 136 lb. 19 year-old with eczema and an inability to grow facial hair but who refers to himself as a “thug” and uses words like “dawg,” and “player” casually, Chris Hargrove, who wears a backward baseball cap constantly to cover up an inevitable bald spot, and last year’s winner, and J.D. Phillips, whose first and middle names do not actually contain the letters “J” or “D.”

“It helps to have a little background information,” said Garrison. “I checked out Chris Hargrove’s old high school yearbook. Turns out he was in drama. That dude’s going to get killed out there. I even found a picture of him wearing tights.”

According to Phillips’ research, Kindle’s so-called “wet jumpshot” in basketball is actually only slightly damp because of Kindle’s sweaty palms, is very low percentage, and appears to onlookers as though Kindle is trying to participate in shot put.

“I’m really looking forward to this year’s event,” said fan of the Madden NFL Debate, Brian West. “I think the newcomer, Andrew Shapiro, is underrated. This guy has been avoided by so many people on XBOX Live and I’m pretty sure he’s got the dirtiest mouth in the entire online community. I played against him in Madden one time, and there were some words I’d never thought could represent parts of my body. He taught me so much about trash-talk through my wireless headset.”

Shapiro was considered a trash-talk prodigy since he was 13 and revealed his strange knowledge of sexual intercourse and his own ability to father people much older than himself to everyone on his team during a game of Halo 2. Later in that same day, Shapiro entered the Guinness Book of World Records for the longest string of consecutive curse words ever heard by another person during a losing effort in Madden.

Rick Williamson, one of the custodians hired to clean up the area after all the excitement wears off, was a little less than enthused about the event. “I know eventually one of these guys will have to win,” said Williamson, “but this is one competition where everyone can be called a loser.”